Caged Bird
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: MD Two-shot, Post Episode 5.13, "Beat Your Heart Out". Rated M for mature, erotic content.
1. Caged Bird Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. et al.**

**So yesterday I heard this song at my friend's daughter's dance recital and then it stuck with me. I came home, found a recording, and let me say, Alicia Keys, she is something else with this song. So … I listen and listen and then I have an idea and this is what came out, a two shot. I'll post the balance tomorrow night. **

**I truly hope you enjoy and please tell me what you think. If you do a youtube search for this song, use "Caged Bird – Alicia Keys" you'll find a recording easily, listen while you read, music can mean all the difference, to me anyway. **

Lyrics for Alicia Keys' "Caged Bird":

Right now I feel like a bird  
Caged without a key  
Everyone comes to stare at me  
With so much joy and rivalry  
They didn't know how I feel inside  
Through my smile I cry  
They don't know what they're doin' to me  
Keeping me from flyin'  
That's why I say that  
I know why the caged bird sings  
Only joy comes from song  
She's so rare and beautiful to others  
Why not just set her free  
So she can  
Fly, fly, fly  
Spreadin' her wings and her song  
Let her  
Fly, fly fly  
For the whole world to see  
She's like caged bird  
Fly, fly  
Ooh just let her fly  
Just let her fly  
Just let her fly  
Spread the wings  
Spread the beauty

###

**Caged Bird – Part 1 of 2**

"_You spent less than an hour with Meredith, you barely even know her."_

As soon as I heard myself say these words to my mother last night – _I started to wonder if __I__ had really gotten it_ – gotten to know what makes Meredith Grey tick. And here's the thing, I'm not all that sure I do.

In fact I know this is a work in progress for me as I stand here now, shrouded in my long wool coat just outside the steel bars of the maximum security prison – _where a man has been held down, caged and now truly convicted of his crimes against humanity_ – whilst I stand idly here, breathing in and out, and wait for my lover.

_I stand firmly on my own two feet, of my own sound mind and body … I stand here with my heart in my hand and wait for Meredith to emerge safe and sound and hopefully still whole and healed._

And as I stand here, even now, even after everything it took to get _me_ to this place – _my fears of the unknown aside, my anger over the loss of my father also aside _– I stand here and I wonder if I'll ever be able to measure up to what Meredith stands for – _I wonder if I'll ever be enough_ – or be strong enough to keep up with her as she spreads her wings and flies into that expansive gray and forgiving area she lives within.

"_You see things in black and white, Meredith doesn't."_

My mother was right (and she usually is), I do see things differently than Meredith does, I am less forgiving and perhaps more jaded and for these reasons I have often wondered what she sees in me.

I wonder why she has forgiven me time and time again – _she would say it is because she loves me and she tried to stop and she couldn't _– she would say that everyone deserves some kind of second chance (or in my case, third or fourth chance) to make things right.

_But I still wonder if I will ever be able to earn these chances – for she gives so much, yes, she gives and I perpetually take of her – yes, I take and she loves me anyway. I take and she exhibits her tolerance, her capacity for compassion and sometimes all I can do is what I am doing now, stand idly by and watch her, knowing sometimes she is so beautiful it hurts to look at her. _

"_You need her."_

I do need her (my mother again, she calls it how she sees it) – _and I know at this point, I know for sure I cannot be who I am without Meredith_ – she grounds me, she understands me … although my question remains unanswered: _will I ever really 'get' her? _

I ponder this conundrum now – _especially as we've grown closer and our relationship has become more perfected _– and yet, I never would have guessed I would be standing right here, right now … proof once again that Meredith's vast gray area is just too big for my black and white mind some of the time.

_I hunker down as the wind changes direction – I seek the heat of my own body to keep me warm – I shrug my shoulders against my predicament, pondering Meredith's condition as she would come to stand in front of me … soon. Though her condition is of no consequence to me because I am in this thing – my eyes are wide open and there is no going back – no going back to a life without her because … she's the one. _

"_She's the one."_

And on my mother's words, I find myself smiling inside, as hard as it is to fathom a future beyond tonight – _a future that does not include this amount of ugliness –_ I am smiling inside. And as I smile, the wind slams against my face and reflexive tears cloud my eyes – _the bars in front of me become one in the same_ – but I stand my ground and wait, leaning back against the cold side of my truck … I wait.

Wait and watch my bated breath twirl and swirl up and into the atmosphere from deep inside my lungs (this place right near my inside smile) – _I heave a sigh, swallowing another deep breath of the frigid air because a man was dying and I still have the right to breathe and to live and survive if only to learn to understand my lover _– if only to become that man who could see her and truly connect and understand her vast gray area of compassion that I evolved to love so very much.

_I close my eyes on this act of love … on this act of compassion … on this latest mission of hers to bestow some kind of compassion or second chance – to William and all of his ugliness – and I hope and pray he does not take too much of her with him. _

_Because I love her. _

_And because she sees things in black and white._

_And because I could use a little bit of that._

_And because I need her._

_And because she's the one. _

_And somewhere within the range of reasons why I stand here still and wait and wait for a man to die and wait and wait for my lover to emerge from his chamber of mercy – I hear the heavy metal door open from within the prison boundary – and therein, I open my eyes._

I press my lips together in a stance to hold myself steady, pressing my cold breath _down, down, down_ as I watch Meredith emerge, I lock my eyes on hers and she fastens her watery gateways to mine and then it hits me … out of nowhere.

She's upset, of course she is _– but I find clarity; I find what I am looking for and I realize it has been there the whole time_ – she's in front of me before I can blink. Her beautiful endless eyes are storm-filled and bloodshot. She's crying and telling me how she doesn't understand herself and how she knows I don't understand her.

_But as I fold her in my arms and breathe her in, finding her sweet essence with precision, despite the stench that's there too …_

… _all I can think of his how much my heart hurts just looking at her this way …_

… _all I can seek is her innate heat and how she warms me up from the inside out …_

… _all I can feel is the reason why I cannot live without her or her vast gray area I love so much. _

_I swallow hard and kiss the top of her head and let her cry and cry while I cry and cry inside because I have learned, I have evolved and she knows this, she knows this because she knows I know the reason for her stance. _

_For it seems I have earned my second chance – because unlike within the many other stormy times of our relationship – she does not recoil this time … she does not run and does not hide – for she has no reason to. _

_Not now, not when I see how she doesn't act reflexively, she doesn't run because she finally trusts herself to lean into me and onto me and finally, finally she trusts __me__ to love her in this precise moment and beyond – even if I don't understand her and even if she doesn't understand herself – she lets me love her and it's enough. _

I finally know it's enough. For now – _it's blessing enough_ – it's enough that she gets into the truck with me and lets me take her away.

**Caged Bird – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	2. Caged Bird Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. et al. **

**Author's Note: A big "thank you" the few of you who have read the first part of this story and were thoughtful enough to leave a note for me, I do so appreciate your time. I also hope you enjoy the second part (and this little note right here: disclaims the erotica found within, please note the change in the rating to M). **

**Caged Bird – Part 2 of 2 **

"_Right now I feel like a bird; caged without a key."_

Derek holds my hand as he starts the truck and pulls me away from my self-imposed imprisonment – _my chest hurts, my heart hurts even more_ – and the whole time I was in there, in that chamber of mercy, I speculated what I would feel like when I walked out of that moment and back into my life.

_And now here I am and it isn't what I expected at all._

I wondered how I would process this horrific event that I would likely see so readily now in my mind's eye – _for all the rest of my days_ – I thought, _'you can do this'_, I thought, _'you have compassion' _… and then I watched William die – _a patient I fought to save – _I watched him die, I watched him take his last breath – _'breathe, breathe, breathe' _– I coached myself and then I turned around and walked out of the room that housed this memory that would become mine.

_I swallowed the bile lodged in my throat and steadied myself against a cinderblock retaining wall just outside the chamber. I took a deep breath of the stench and the hallow, lifeless air filled my lungs and suddenly I felt beleaguered by my choice to seek the benefit of the doubt, to offer compassion to an already dying murderer ... and then I __wanted__ out. I was done. _

"_They didn't know how I feel inside; through my smile I cry."_

So I leave the walls of imprisonment and I can barely focus through my tears and then I see Derek standing across the street ... waiting for me. And then I realize that all bets are off with respect to how _I_ was going to deal with the fallout of this decision – _because he's finally there, right where I need him to be_, _and for the first time it felt like there was a 'we' _– and then I smiled inside because he finally showed up and it was somehow enough … it was somehow enough to know he didn't need or want an explanation … just that he was there because he wanted to be.

And therein, I didn't have to run, I didn't have to hide or explain myself – _because I really don't understand myself and what makes me tick_ – I am a work in progress and suddenly I am okay with that. It doesn't change the fact that William is dead and that I can't stop crying – _and Derek doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell him to do for me_ – but he showed up and held me close and I finally let him … which leaves me where I am presently.

_Crying tears of anguish – regret, sorrow, mercy, relief, compassion – crying thick tears that are splashing onto my scarf, the stench from the prison filling the small cab, sticking to me like Hester Prynne and her infamous Scarlet Letter. It is all-consuming, it is everywhere I turn until Derek pulls in front of Cristina's apartment building and turns the truck off. _

"_That's why I say that; I know why the caged bird sings."_

He is holding my hand – _and I turn to him, but still no words come –_ only fierce tears, I don't know what to say, but I know in my heart that Derek Shepherd finally understands what I need and that it isn't always going to be him. And for that, I fall even more in love with him than I already am. I love him as he sits with me and holds my hand still for a beat longer. No words need to be spoken. I love him, I know this now as he leans over and kisses my wet cheek – _and I trust him as I lean into him, feeling the familiarity of his lips as he pulses them against my skin_ – I love him as he cracks the window open a half an inch (Does he smell the stench too?) and slips from our small space.

I trust him now as I watch him go and I sit and wait instead of running or hiding or protesting. I wait and he is gone for several minutes before Cristina emerges with him. She gets into the truck with me while Derek sits on a stone bench outside and watches us. He watches me with my person and only in that moment do I realize how much he has grown into the man I fell so deeply in love with.

_He gets me is all I think as I hash this thing out with Cristina – this idea of compassion – this idea of learning what makes me tick inside this vast gray area I seem to live within. She tells me, 'you're you, this is what you do' and I believe her. She says, 'you're strong and smart and the best person to be my person because I see things as black and white … and you … you're Meredith Grey' – and then I smile weakly. _

"_She's so rare and beautiful to others; why not just set her free."_

Our conversation lasts just long enough for the flow of my tears to diminish and for Cristina to hug me, which she's learned to do (but only when I really need it). And then before I know it she opens the door – _a gust of fresh air funnels inside and cleanses the space _– Derek walks toward us, he is pensive, his eyes are wet, I can see this and much more now as he comes to switch places with Cristina. And suddenly it's like the changing of the guards –_ they rotate,_ _he thanks her and for once in her life_ – she doesn't roll her eyes or make some kind of snide remark. She simply squeezes his forearm and turns away.

Derek gets back into the drivers' seat and this time I take his hand and hold on tight as he starts the ignition and pulls us further and further away from whence we came. I keep my eyes trained on our destination – _a turn here, a red light there, another green light, finally our street_ – we pull in front of my mother's old house and somehow it feels different coming home.

_I feel more appreciative. I feel more blessed. I just feel more. _

Derek walks around to my side and holds the door open for me – _his arm draped around me as we walk up the front steps and slip inside now_ – safe and sound and wrapped around one another. He takes my coat and makes to hang it on the peg there inside the door, but I grab a hold his wrist and grasp it tight and instead, he drops it to the ground.

"It smells," I say softly. "It's filthy," I say as I pull my scarf free and drop it to the ground, my voice already sounds different to my own ears; I contemplate what else might be different about me now.

"No one's home, just take everything off, we'll get it tomorrow," he encourages, stepping forward, he trails his fingertips under the hem of my sweater, I raise my arms, he pulls it off.

We strip down to our underclothes and leave everything in the foyer. I smile weakly as he takes my hand and we walk straight upstairs together. We slip into our room and he heads for the bathroom, turning the shower on to the hottest setting (just how I like it). I walk to the sink, an urgent need to brush my teeth presents itself and without thinking I begin to frantically clean my mouth, _clean, clean, clean._

Derek follows my lead, resting his warm hand on my bare shoulder as he does. He watches me through the mirror, his blue eyes never leaving my red-rimmed ones. I look like crap _– I avert my eyes, he squeezes my shoulder, 'I'm here' he says without words – I find him again and I answer, 'I know' this I know', also without words_ – I rinse my mouth, remove my bra and panties and step into the shower. Once there, I dip my head back and into the scalding hot spray, opening my eyes just enough and reach for the shampoo, smiling when my lover joins me and takes that shampoo bottle before I do.

I turn around and back into Derek and let him shampoo my hair – _relaxing while he massages my scalp like only a brain surgeon could, staying put as he moves his hands all over my body now, lean, lean, trust, trust – _I close my eyes and feel it, how things are different_._

I open my eyes and turn halfway around. I meet his gaze, I smell better now, like flowers and toothpaste. I kiss the underside of his neck before I turn around again and tilt my head back, letting the shampoo and debris and stench wash away, down and away. I open my eyes and look down in time to watch the little bubbles of soap and filth circle the drain just like I William did.

_My heart starts to sink, but then I release the anchor and then I let him go – William, I set him free – for good. Because I am still me … still whole, still healed …still vacillating and living within the comfort of my gray area. _

I revolve in Derek's arms again then and plant my minty lips against his – _stepping even closer to his heat, the warmth from the shower suddenly not enough _– I let my lips linger upon his, _kiss, kiss, mine, mine, _he tastes like toothpaste and shampoo – _he tastes clean and alive and I realize I cannot get enough of him_ – his attention is solely on me and what makes me tick now.

_He washes me clean … he kisses me clean … he loves me clean … he loves me … period._

He washes his hair and I lather my body up and switch places and then switch again – _it's all very amicable and domestic_ – though in my mind I want and I crave far more than amicable and domestic … no … I _need_ to get lost within him. I need him – _I need our brand of connectivity_ – I also know Derek needs me. I turn the water off and we grab our towels. I step from the shower and shimmy the towel along my back, squeezing the excess water from my clean hair as I walk to our bed.

I drop my towel to the ground and slip in between the cold linens. The room becomes dark as Derek turns the bathroom light off, seconds later, the bed shimmies under his familiar weight and we instinctively roll into one another. Like a pro, I find his eyes in the dark and drape my thigh over his hipbone, inching closer. He presses his lips together and I watch his eyes swell with tears, I also watch him blink them away as he takes a stacked, deep breath and draws me even closer.

"_Spreadin' her wings and her song; let her fly, fly, fly."_

"Kiss me," I whisper, pulsing my lips along his shoulder.

_I breathe him in, replacing the death-stench with my elixir once and for all, my lover's warmth and his power over me are suddenly all I can feel or want to feel as Derek presses his naked, hard body against mine and holds me still – reaching up he cradles my skull in his hands and focuses his intense eyes on mine – the storms there receding now as he leans closer, rolling me beneath him before he heeds my call and begins to kiss me senseless. _

"Heal me," I say against his mouth, darting my tongue into his minty depths, pulsing my nerves against his.

_His body moves over mine like a fishtail – his torso moving back and forth as he dips his head lower and lower – his wet locks tickle my neck as I arch my back and he heals me over and over again with his tiny, wet kisses – kiss, kiss, pluck, nip, suck, suck – he swipes his tongue and lips along my fever-pricked skin, dipping lower he pulses his lips around my nipples, volleying between them before he focuses his attention on just one, latching on, he pulses, suck, suck, pull, pull, bite, massage. _

_My core wakes up and I feel my vaginal walls begin to pulse, my hips gyrate – 'Derek' – I hear myself sigh into the night air. I clasp my feet behind the small of his back and hold him there inside the moment. He leans up, my sensitive nipples cut against his hard and finds me in the dark – and though our euphoric haze has become thick, it's just the two of us here now, 'in the gray' –_ _and therein, I find him too. _

_I smile and shift my body beneath his, the evidence of my arousal fills the air, twirling, swirling – I take a deep breath and savor it – I smile again and so does he. I'm still me. I release his body and plant the soles of my feet to the mattress, flexing my hips up, his torso pressing against my pelvic bone, my wet pussy pressing back and against him. _

_He shifts, hovering over me for a beat. I reach up to the nape of his neck and pull him back down, my lips on his again, I kiss and kiss and heal and heal him too. Keeping my mouth on his, I explore his body with my fingertips, dancing my way all over his dewy skin, seeking the 'different', I want to feel everything … his ribs … his spine … his perfectly toned ass until I finally pin my hands to his shoulders and hold on tight. _

"I love you," he says when he finds me again and somehow his voice is also different, I feel his breathing hitch, I feel his intensity and his insecurity, I feel everything. "What do you need from me?" he asks hesitantly, pushing his nose against mine, he inhales my essence.

"You … just you," I state evenly. "Consume me," I sigh heavily into our sticky heat. "I need to feel … you … life … just you," I articulate, my voice breathless, my lungs finally warm and full of our air.

He presses his forehead against mine, _press, press, _his forearms flank my neck now. "Consume you," he repeats, reaching back, he raises my knee – _I push my heel against his ass _– opening my hips open wider for him. "You … consume … me," he husks, his voice shaking, full of truth and honesty – _we consume one another at will now_ – because maybe things _are_ different.

"Fill me up," I say, snaking my hand between us, I fist his lengthening cock _– his beautiful muscle twitches within my grasp_ – I stroke him, _up, down, up, down_. "Hmm, I need you … consume me," I whisper, pressing my lips to his neck before my heart gives out, _'I love you too'_, I want to say, because he finally _'got'_ me, back there at the prison.

"I need you too," he whispers, his open mouth against mine now, he reaches down and takes a hold of his cock with me. "Consume me," he husks, our hands moving in tandem now, my slick heat lubricating his sensitive head and everything in between.

"Hmm, feels so good," I mutter, both lost and found at the same time. I open my eyes and stare at him – _this man I love –_ this man, alive and well who consumes me when I ask him to. "I love you, Derek," I find myself saying into the confessional of our sacred time together. "So much, so much it hurts …," I confess breathlessly. Tears prick his eyes but I can only see depth, I can only see more clearly inside _our_ hazy gray area. "Fill me up, take me … fill me …," I heave, positioning his cock along my folds … so pliant … so slick and ready to be breached.

_And so he does, he slowly lowers himself into my heat and we cradle each other as my muscles stretch to accommodate him, as my hips roll back and up and as I open myself to him – because I love him and I want him to fill me up – and help me feel … everything … because everything is different now. _

_And so with his eyes locked on mine, Derek makes slow love to me … he takes me … he fills me, fills the void of everything lost in my life and he does it just right – just how he always has, from the very beginning before all the rest of it – he fills me up, slow and easy with his eyes locked in mine and his heart beating faster and even faster still. _

_He consumes me and I consume him. We take of each other, kissing, loving, moving, caressing – we give and take, for this is what we do – we're lovers first and when we're lovers first: we give and take at will and it's a beautiful thing, even now, even after everything. _

_And tonight is no different – we synchronize, we harmonize – and we find each other and our range of well-kept secrets in the vast, murky darkness of the gray area because we've survived and we're alive and we're connected … and we finally see each other … in our own special way. _

_Climaxes will surely come quickly for us as we take and take of each other, emotional sensitivities already running high only seem to add another layer of depth to our lovemaking – but we connect – above all the ugly in life, we connect and for that I know we are blessed. I tighten my hold on his cock now, mine, mine, mine I chant as he pulses into me, pounding into me with gentle force – his thumb gently massaging my clit now, he brushes my nub, around and around – the intermittent weight of his body provides just enough pressure to get me off. _

_We roll and I am on top now, riding him like a chariot, my hot skin pressed against his, my ass stays low as I fuck just the sensitive head of his beautiful rod, my heavy breasts and ripe nipples cut across his chest muscular chest – I am on fire, smoldering from the inside out – my mouth is connected to Derek's, his strong hands palm my ass, keeping me down, holding me inside the moment before we roll again and he begins to claim me once and for all. _

_And claim me does now as he plants his mouth on mine and maneuvers my knees under his forearms where he pins them to his sides, opening my pussy even wider, he strikes me deeper, his cock pulsing against my cervix, my clit on fire, he makes love to my mouth and pussy in tandem now as I reach behind him and gently palm his sack, he's so close, so tight and close! He growls my name and his speed picks up – he pulls back and hovers over me now, we are close, closer than ever before – I look down and watch his cock play peek-a-boo with me, his glistening shaft moving with ease inside our well-lubricated machine. _

_I tighten my vaginal hold on him – I want to cum with him – I want precision; I want to escape into the gray area with him … with only him for forever and ever!_

_With this in mind, I snake one hand down and rapidly flick my clit, swirl, swirl, I watch his rod, slip, slip, my fingers bumping against him as I work myself into a heated frenzy. I roll my hips back and up and Derek seizes this opportunity to pulse deeper and deeper and even deeper still until there is nothing but the two of us in the here and now … deeply suffused within the euphoria of our gray area. _

_And only then do we cum, we cum hard and 'come' together, we consume each other – we take, we give – we collapse in a heap of sated arms and legs … our bodies still interlocked … our muscles still pulsing with ownership … what's different has become our reality._

###

A while later, I burrow deeper into Derek's post-coital heat (my favorite variety of his heat), the heat that makes me remember I am safe _– the heat that somehow eases into my bone marrow and stays there for a little longer each time we do this_ – make love, fall asleep together. I kiss his clavicle and jackknife my knee over his thighs. His hands move up and down my back and his nose is pressed into my wild, damp tresses. I peek up and kiss the underside of his neck. I watch his face soften and then see his eyes open to find me _– he checks on me, scanning my face, surely looking for signs of duress_ – but he only smiles, a small smile, the one he saves just for me.

"Thank you," I whisper, my eyes become glassy; I can't seem to avoid it. "For not pushing me," I elaborate. "I know you want to know more, but I have nothing I can say," I whisper honestly.

_Leaning up, I run my fingertips along the halo of his hairline and I get lost in his watery gateways, yet another thing I can't seem to avoid. He smiles weakly and caresses my cheek with his healing hands._

"It's a balancing act … the not pushing thing … this thing I have with you," he sighs, holding me close now as his lips find my neck and he pulses my flesh there, surely breathing me in as he does.

"There's a line – _and before you ask me_ – I don't know if it's real or imaginary," I sigh and then I giggle. "But it is … it's something else – _this thing, our thing_ – this place, _our_ place," I muse, reflecting on the power of _'us' _when we do connect and when we do _'get'_ each other.

_And then I hug him tighter inside my belief of that extraordinary power while he chuckles, pulling back, he finds my eyes in the darkness. I kiss him and he kisses me right back. I situate myself on top of him and cover him like blanket – protecting him, saving him – while he protects me and saves me too. I rest my head in the crook of his neck and he pulls the thin cotton sheet over us before his hands find my ass where they stay. He chuckles and holds me close and then he cackles and holds me even closer and I know where his head is – and I know because I know __him__ – and then I giggle too. _

I raise my head and find his eyes. "Go on," I say after a minute. "Say it," I challenge him. "You finally made it," I teased, seizing his lips because I love him and because he finally _'got'_ me and understood me enough to know what I needed tonight and also to know it might not always be him.

_He laughs and then kisses me with everything he has in him, pulling back just enough I spy his glassy, happy eyes – the fear, the trepidation, the hallow depth gone for now – for he knows it isn't just up to him anymore – it's the give and take – it's up to both of us and this gray area we have … this place where black and white does not exist – this place where a caged bird chirps and sings as happily as his beloved nightingale – and then I smile because I know it's true._

_I know he has indeed arrived … I know this as I watch him closely and silently dare him to say it. _

"So … this is it … the _'Grey Area'_," he muses with a sigh of relief and song in his heart and a twinkle set deep inside his endless … soul-filled … all-seeing … all-consuming eyes.

"It is and it's ours … welcome home Derek," I say softly, finally acknowledging that there will always be a place for him here.

"_For the whole world to see; she's like caged bird … fly, fly, ooh just let her fly."  
_

**-END- **


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